WARNING - GOOSE PATROL

..and watch out for the Old Bill

 REGARDLESS of where we live these days petty crime is about to increase as the coalition government's mean welfare cuts start to bite, so we should be on our guard when it comes to security in the troubled days ahead. I'm told there's already evidence of sheep rustling and petty thefts from farms in Northumberland to the Borders.
 And as a timely reminder I had a visit from the police the other day; actually it was a community copper who'd just taken up a new beat and wanted to introduce himself. Thankfully, being a country lad he was more than capable of reacting sensibly when confronted by the unexpected.

Jack the Bad

 So when Jack, my Toulouse gander, set about the uniformed officer almost pinning him against the vehicle he reacted with due care and attention ... unlike the goose who was using his old bill on the Old Bill with wreckless abandon!

Dawn Patrol

 Jack is only 18 months old and apart from a brief spell on a farm skirting the windswept Saddleworth Moors in the North West of England he's never experienced city life - had this been Haringey and not Hawick his goose would have been cooked. Tarred, feathered, tasered and shot at least half a dozen times in the head for his ambush, I reckon.
 However the officer reacted with cool, dignified calm like that ginger bloke out of CSI Miami and, using his strategically-placed hat to protect his assets, waited for back-up to arrive ie. ME! I dashed outside to see what was the racket. Unlike the hens who can whip up a storm of hysteria from nothing, when Jack kicks off I know there's something or someone in the vicinity. He's better than any burglar alarm although the incessant callers trying to flog me home insurance don't agree and refuse to give discount, which I think is unfair.
 "Have you got security installed and what sort," they politely enquire and when I reply: "Yes, I've got a raging mad gander and three geese" they just laugh. It's mildly irritating since I would trust geese over an alarm system any day; they don't deactivate, don't need a PIN number or conk out during a power cut or failure and they're incredibly loyal. And while most folk ignore the sound of someone's car or burglar alarm going off, when Jack starts it's enough to wake the dead.
  Every morning he and his lay-deees - Vera, Bluebell & Queenie - embark on their dawn patrol around the house before stopping off for a mixed corn breakfast around 8am. The girls usually go off for a wander leaving Jack on watch and he will guard my car 24/7 and launch a pre-emptive strike on anyone who happens by including he-who-should-be-obeyed-but-rarely-is, as you can see in the video clip above. Hubby is now beginning to regret turning down my request for a couple of working dogs because Jack simply refuses to recognise his authority as man of the house. But while hubby and the postman have resorted to stealth to try and bypass the goose patrol others are not so lucky.
 Jack's favourite targets are van drivers especially the couriers who need a signature, the supermarket delivery man and the coal man. He usually sits idly on the lawn waiting for them to get to the point of no return and then strikes without fear like a spider with a fly. And there's no gender discrimination - he'll have a go at anyone regardless if it's a man, woman or child.
 And occasionally innocent passersby exercising the Scottish right to roam will suddenly accelerate into a 100 metre sprint from a gentle country stroll when encountering my Jack. The 'right to roam' as it is known colloquially was cemented by the Land Reform Act of 2003 which allows everyone the right to access land and inland water across Scotland acting as long as they act in a responsible manner.

 Now while you've seen Jack and the girls raising a racket this little clip on the right reveals his true character ... a good and loyal friend who I can rely on totally.
 Also on the plus side I have a beautifully manicured lawn which he and the other geese keep trim on a daily basis.
 On the downside, yep, you've guessed it. Geese are neither tidy nor toilet trained when it comes to pooping. And the consistency and frequency of their dollops makes a poop scoop impractical.
 But hubby armed with his high-powered jet hose can make quick work of their unsightly deposits although he complains bitterly under his breath. I can honestly say if you are living in the countryside or have large grounds and are thinking about getting guard dogs invest in some geese, instead. They're easy maintenance, incredibly loyal and will keep your lawn beautifully maintained.
 *Jack and Vera are Toulouse geese which is a domesticated breed that originated from France and were brought to England in the 16th century. They don't need a pond but they do love playing around in water. They prefer to stay close to home and so don't generally wander off. Bluebell and Queenie are from an endangered Swedish species called Öland geese and are generally quite placid as well.