HACKED OFF BY CHAINSAW

.. It's just not cutting edge

 THE other day a certificate and skills identity card came through the post reminding me I am now proficient in the art of chainsaw maintenance and cross-cutting following a two-day course in the Borders.
 Receiving an award should fill one with pride but in truth, I'd forgotten all about my course; it was an unpleasant experience which I'd pushed to the back of my memory for several reasons and I doubt if I'll exhibit this newly acquired skill on my CV nor pick up a chainsaw again.

EMINEM sporting a chainsaw like mine ... the similarity

ends there

They are, without doubt (in my humble opinion) the most badly designed piece of kit I've ever come across and personally I believe that they should not be sold to anyone over the counter who has never worked with one before just in the same way as you'd never sell a gun to anyone without a proper licence.

 My first day was spent dismantling my brand new chainsaw made by some Scandanavian company and popularised by the US rap star Eminem, pictured left.

The last time I was taught to dismantle and reassemble anything as lethal was a machine gun, but that's another story for another time.

We were then taught by our instructor how to sharpen the said saw using a large file and some square nut device. Each tooth of the saw had to be sharpened individually and since my blade was particularly long try to imagine giving a dental flossing to a crocodile. As a left hander I always find these sort of tasks difficult since manufacturers rarely think about us southpaws. I told my instructor I had a self-sharpening electric breadknife at home and couldn't understand why some bright chap had not invented a self sharpening chainsaw. His facial expression was a picture.

 Then I learned that the fuel that goes in to a chainsaw is a concoction of two liquids. Why? Wouldn't it make more sense to sell the final solution in one bottle or make a fuel that didn't have to be combined with another? Just asking..

PROOF: Chainsaw certificate

 In addition, although hubby had bought me a top-of-the-range chainsaw, there was no starter button on the damn thing either and although I wanted to pull the starter cord in a standing position, I was told the ONLY way was to put the machine on the ground and, knees kept straight while holding steady with right hand to pull the throttle/cord/whatever/thingy with the left.

 This is fine if you have the spine of Soviet gymnast Olga Korbut and the biceps of Charles Atlas, but I have neither and all my natural instincts told me to either kneel down or put the damn thing on a waist height table and pull the bloody string.

 "You can't," said my instructor. I asked why not and he replied: "Because you can't." Again I asked for a reason and was told: "Because you can't, there's only one way; there's only ever been one way." I did want to continue my line of questioning but felt to do so would have created an even more unpleasant atmosphere and further alienated me from my fellow students (all blokes from farming backgrounds) who seemed to have well bonded with their own chainsaws.

SUITED & BOOTED: Safety clothes like these are essential

 The next day before we were actually set loose with our kit we had to wear protective clothing which was inspected and cleared by the course instructor. The cost of such clothes plus hard hat will set you back a couple of hundred quid and we were left in no doubt that if any of ours did not meet the required safety standard we would not be allowed near a chainsaw.

 Once we set about sawing stuff I could see why. These saws are absolutely lethal and one twist or turn the wrong way could cause serious injury or worse. I don't mind admitting here that I was terrified by the blade, the noise and losing a limb - and that was before I got near any wood.

 Cross cutting is back-breaking work and I now look at lumber jack types and forestry workers with much more respect.

 A friend from Texas was greatly amused by the fact I'd enrolled on this two-day course; Texas is synonymous with the 1974 slasher film about a murderous maniac armed with a chainsaw. Neither he or anyone else in Texas goes on a safety course, apparently.

 Which brings me back to my concerns that any nutter can go in to a shop and buy a chainsaw without proper training, the correct clothing and hard hat.

 In the meantime hubby says he is still waiting for a return on his investment and keeps pointing to a fallen tree which he wants me to reduce to small logs for the fire. So far I've resisted and suggested he call Slim Shady!