TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE

 ..Or how to outfox predators

LIVING well beyond the Wilds of Wanney* requires a degree of forward planning especially when it comes to stocking up on basic food provisions since the nearest shop is a 30 minute drive away.
 I ran out of bread the other day and rather than put on my glad rags and some war paint (I still can't leave the house without make-up) I opted to make a loaf and very nice it was too as you can see in the picture on the left. While the dough was rising I went and did some online supermarket shopping booking a delivery service for the next day.

USING MY LOAF : Here's one 

I made earlier

 So apart from brief encounters with the postie and the odd courier who braves the goose patrol and the turkeys, I rarely see anyone in these parts to pass the time of day until the supermarket delivery man arrives. Unloading up to a month's worth of groceries naturally involves quite a bit of time and an opportunity for small talk on the progress of my ever-expanding menagerie.
 First of all he was delighted to see my two bee hives - turns out he had his own apiary for six years but lost all his stock to a nasty bug two years back and threw in the towel. Drawing on his invaluable experience I told him about the angst between me and he-who-should-be-obeyed-but-rarely-is over the exact siting of our apiary. Hives should be positioned in the south so they get the full force of the sun (when it bothers to show itself) which we kind of knew but still couldn't agree on an exact spot. The delivery man went outside for a wander and found the perfect patch of land which pleased us both. I told him I was waiting for my bee colonies and was thinking of ordering some Welsh bees but he said they were bad tempered! Making a mental note of that invaluable tip I then regaled him with the tale of our turkey and geese losses courtesy of fox and badger raids. Turns out he keeps birds as well and proudly boasted: "I've never lost any to the fox." So I asked him what was his secret.

                          CONSPIRACY

SCENTING TROUBLE: But will he 

step up to the plate? A dilemma for

he-who-should-be-obeyed-but-rarely-is

 He looked around in a conspiratorial manner and as he handed over the bag containing the frozen food he said in a hushed tone: "I pee. I pee first thing in the morning, when no one's about. I walk down to my back garden and I pee all over the place. Foxes do not like the scent of my pee - actually any man's pee. I think it's the strong ammonia content but it must be first thing in the morning.
 "Your pee won't work because of hormones and let's face it, it's easier for a man to wander around and spray the garden. Get your husband to do the same and if he's shy then he can always pee in a bottle and then distribute the water. I'm telling you wild animals do not like human scent and so they clear off."
 And then, without missing a heartbeat he said in a very matter-of-a-fact tone: "There's a couple of samples in there for you," as he handed me another plastic shopping bag. Imagine my relief on finding it contained nothing more than a free deodorant stick and a mini tube of toothpaste.
 He then held out a little box for my digital signature and with that he was gone.
 Talk about putting the super into supermarket.
 Those snippets of invaluable information simply can not be gleaned down any shopping aisle.
 I have to admit, on reflection, when I lived in Soho - which did smell like a giant urinal some Saturday mornings - I never saw a single fox although there are thought to be around 10,000 urban ones living in the English capital.
 Watch this space..

 *'The Wilds of Wanney' is a Geordie term used by we Northerners to refer to the rural areas of Northumberland where the River Wansbeck flows.