SIGN OF THE TIMES

.. Or a warning to happy wanderers

  WHEN I lived in Soho I used to occasionally hear about unhappy punters who would walk in to hostess bars and several hours later be stung by enormous drinks bills and extras. However now it seems I'm in danger of being stung in my own backyard in the Borders ... not from slick operators but by my lovely honeybees.
 Just the other day I was stung twice in the face - once while I was wearing my protective headcover. Somehow I managed to get a bee stuck between the folds of protective mesh underneath my chin and as I leant over to inspect the inside of a hive the little critter got me. Tragically she will have killed herself in the process.
A bee sting is barbed so once it goes in it will not come out and as the bee pulls away she is forced to leave part of her abdomen behind and that segment continues to pump poison from the sting into your system.

OUCH: A new meaning to bee sting
lips after being stung many time

 Removing the sting should be done quickly with a side flick otherwise if you go in and attempt to pull it out you will almost certainly squeeze any remaining venom into your body. I could do neither unless I removed my protective head covering which would have been crazy since hundreds of bees were buzzing overhead. After wincing I just moved and and carried on with the business in hand.

 The second sting of the day came about an hour later as I was walking past the apiary where my mentor was still working. Wearing my civvy clothes I quickened the pace as some bees circled overhead but before I could start sprinting down the drive a kamikaze bee got me on my jaw line.

 People react in various ways to bee stings and, until then, I managed to wince and carry on but this time my face really flared and began to swell. Not as badly as the chap in this picture (right) but believe me, that's what I imagined my face to look like. By late evening the following day - with friends from London visiting - I was starting to look a bit like a female version of John Merrick, the famed elephant man.

TUNING SERVICE: Colin starts

healing with his special forks

 Knowing my dislike for the pharmaceutical industry, one of my friends Colin who is in to all types of alternative medicines, produced a pair of tuning forks and set about doing 'stuff' to my face. I have to say it didn't hurt, was not unpleasant and I'm not sure if it did any good but it certainly did me no harm.

STUNG: Vera (right) steers Bluebell

around the apiary out of danger

 Apparently our bodies are 80-90pc water and sound therapy ala tuning forks can do something or other; I wasn't really paying attention to the science of it but that night I slept well and the swelling had reduced considerably the next day. It was more effective anyway than hubby's solution which was to slap toothpaste on my face followed by a pack of frozen peas!
 The next day Vera, one of the female geese, must have crossed the flight path of our bees and suffered for it - as a domesticated Toulouse she can't fly but she very nearly became airborne under attack.
 But these recent dramas got me to thinking I needed to put up some warning signs to protect members of the public from experiencing the same pain and misery after a close encounter with my beloved honeybees.

IGNORE AT YOUR PERIL: New sign warning of apiary 

 Since ramblers in Scotland have the right to wander willy nilly a "trespassers keep out" sign wouldn't work - in fact it could have the opposite effect with the locals who have a history spanning centuries of reacting in a hostile manner to bossy english folk.
 So I went on to the internet to try and find an appropriate sign which could withstand the harsh weather conditions Nature chucks out in the Borders - I'd never seen horizontal rain 'til I moved north of Newcastle. I also needed something which would not offend ramblers, bimblers, walkers and the plain curious. In the end I stumbled across Safety Signs & Notices in Derby http://www.safetysignsandnotices.co.uk/  and spoke to a nice bloke called Simon. I explained my dilemma and he and his team of designers came up with the sign above. Now I have one at either end of the apiary approach warning those determined to take up the 'right to ramble' of possible dangers ahead. The team at Safety Signs & Notices have now added the design to their catalogue for other beekeepers who may share my concerns and if you ask them nicely, I'm sure you can incorporate your own design and words.